# Set Boundaries, Find Peace  ### 🚀 The Summary in One Sentence 1. This book Lays out everything you need to know about boundaries and why they’re necessary for maintaining healthy relationships in your life. ### ☘️ Lessons I will Apply in Real Life _(what concrete actions will I take after reading this?)_ - Knowing my limits can help improve my [self-awareness](https://fourminutebooks.com/leadership-and-self-deception-summary/). ### 📒 Summary + Notes People often find themselves in uncomfortable situations during their day-to-day interactions. These could range from inappropriate topics addressed at work to repetitive questions asked by your parents or hurtful nicknames given by your friends. Whichever the case, you should address both minor and major inconveniences so that your relationships with people stay healthy. The best way to do that is by setting boundaries. Although you may feel like they create distance, it’s actually the opposite. Clearly defining relationships is not an easy task, but the later we start, the more poorly formed attachments you will have to fix. And if you don’t start at all, you will have to put up with things you are not comfortable with, and that will bring frustration to your life. Our most common misconception about setting limits is that we should be genuine and selfless and if we aren’t, people will consider us distant. _[Set Boundaries, Find Peace](https://amzn.to/3mcqjog)_ teaches you how to express your limits without seeming cold or distant. #### Lesson 1: Effective communication and reciprocation are the keys to setting healthy limits.Sub-point 1 You’ve probably heard that communication is the key to a [healthy relationship](https://fourminutebooks.com/relationship-goals-summary/). Therefore, it is essential to be open about our particularities with everyone around us. When we don’t do that, passive-aggressiveness and frustration start to build up. Staying quiet about what bothers us is a common issue. We are expecting people around us to just know what they’re doing wrong. Unfortunately, that is not how it works. We have to verbally assert our boundaries and then back them up with action. Try to be as direct as possible, [stating clearly what your expectations are](https://fourminutebooks.com/simple-rules-summary/).  **Make sure to reciprocate and kindly notify the person next to you if they do something wrong. Forgiveness and mutual understanding will build healthy relationships.** However, you have to define the line between forgiveness and foolishness. Depending on the people and their intentions towards you, you should look for ways to forgive when the relationship is worth saving and withdraw from it when it’s not. #### Lesson 2: Be firm about your limits by imposing consequences on those who overstep their bounds.**** Letting people know what your [boundaries](https://fourminutebooks.com/boundaries-summary/) are it’s a great first step. Normally, you would want them to acknowledge your requests and act on them immediately. Unfortunately, your priorities are personal, so they might forget about them and go back to the old ways. When minor inconveniences happen, don’t get upset right away. Good things take time, and you might have to remind people of your limits. However, there are certain boundaries, like not wanting to be physically touched at your workplace, that no one should cross. If you find yourself in this situation, you have to impose firm consequences and stick to them.  **In some cases, you will find that it’s better to distance yourself and leave. You have no obligation to stay in a toxic environment and give certain people your time.** If you decide to end a relationship of any kind, you might feel remorse or sadness. [Tawwab](https://www.nedratawwab.com/) affirms that it is perfectly normal to have those feelings, and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and look after your own well-being. #### Lesson 3: Learn more about yourself by knowing what you accept and what you don’t from other people. Poor boundaries will make you absorb other people’s emotions and take them as your own. In contrast, rigid boundaries will make you cold and lonely in the eyes of those around you. That is why you have to [reflect on yourself](https://fourminutebooks.com/the-path-made-clear-summary/) first and find out what are the right limits. It all starts with asking yourself the right questions for introspection. They can be something like: Am I comfortable with this? What is an example of a situation that made me feel uncomfortable? How do I want to be treated at my workplace? We have to first know ourselves before we can present that person to others. Finding out the answer to this type of question will make you realize how to construct healthy relationships based on boundaries and help you learn more about yourself. **Keep in mind that boundaries are not just about saying no. They’re about [creating the environment you want to live in](https://fourminutebooks.com/the-anatomy-of-peace-summary/) and see who wants to be a part of it or not.** When you think of it, it is more about saying yes to yourself, your mental and physical health. ## Blinkist ### 🧐What’s in it for me? - Learn to assert your needs and enjoy more fulfilling relationships with family, friends, and loved ones. You’ve probably already heard that you’re supposed to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. But what does that actually mean? On the surface, setting boundaries sounds like building walls and keeping people at a distance. But, boundaries needn’t always put a wedge between people. In our personal lives, boundaries actually enable us to get closer to one another by helping us feel safe to open up and make ourselves vulnerable. Unfortunately, too many people misunderstand or undervalue the need for boundaries in their relationships. And, what happens as a result? They get frustrated and resentful, they bicker and fight over solvable issues, and they get taken advantage of. These blinks are designed to help you remedy unhealthy boundary issues in your relationships. They’ll help you to stand up for yourself by expressing your feelings and asserting your needs. And, when you can do that, you’ll get less strife and more of what you want from your relationships. ### 💡In this Blink I’ll learn: - The leading cause of divorce and break-up. - How many vacation days US Americans squander in total every year. - Why your partner might always be passive-aggressive with you. ### 👀 Other viewpoints / Further reading ### 📒 Blink Notes #### Blink 1 ##### Healthy relationships need healthy boundaries So, how do you know whether you need boundaries? What are the signs, exactly? Well, reflect on a few questions for a moment. Do you frequently feel stressed, overwhelmed, or burned out by the amount of work you have to do? Do you find that you struggle to say no to requests from friends, family, and co-workers? Do you ever find yourself avoiding certain people that you just feel uncomfortable being around? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might have an issue with boundaries. That’s because, as diverse as these problems may seem, they actually all boil down to the same fundamental problem: you’ve allowed your needs to take second place to someone else's. Boundaries, then, are about standing up for yourself. Having healthy boundaries means being able to count on the people in your life to treat you in a manner that you’re comfortable with. When we think of boundaries, the ones that first come to mind are the _`physical boundaries`_ of our bodies and personal space. You’ve probably experienced how uncomfortable it can be when someone gets too close to your face during a conversation, for example. But, physical boundaries are actually just one of six types of boundaries. For example, we also have _`sexual boundaries`_, which are about limiting inappropriate conversation topics, sexually charged jokes, and other behavior that we’re not willing to put up with. Then there are _`intellectual and emotional boundaries`_, which are about having our opinions and feelings respected by others even if they disagree with us. We also have _`material boundaries`_, which relate to how others use our possessions. And, finally, we have _`time boundaries`_ which are about ensuring that others understand the value of our time. Admittedly, many of these boundaries are coded into the culture, like personal space, so it shouldn't be necessary to state them. However, other boundaries are more individual, and these are the ones we need to communicate. For example, when meeting someone for the first time, you might have to let them know that you’re more of a hand-shaker than a hugger. Of course, setting boundaries isn’t always easy. We worry that we’ll be seen as stuffy, needy, or overly sensitive. We might even worry about harming the relationship by making things awkward. But, in the long run, not setting boundaries is counter-productive. If we allow others to continually step on our boundaries, the quality of our relationships will inevitably decline. So, yes, setting boundaries can be uncomfortable. But, in the end, short-term discomfort is a small price to pay for having functional, long-term relationships. #### Blink 2 ##### Most relationship problems are caused by boundaries that are either too porous or too rigid Think of your boundaries like the membrane of a cell – a selective barrier that allows useful substances to pass through while blocking harmful ones. Just like a cell membrane, your boundaries should aim for that perfect balance between being receptive to positive influences and blocking negative ones. If you fail to achieve this balance, you’re at risk of experiencing a range of relationship issues. If your boundaries are too porous, for instance, you’ll be vulnerable to absorbing other people’s needs and emotions as your own. However, if you err too far in the opposite direction, and your boundaries are too rigid, you're in danger of ending up emotionally isolated and alone. Porous boundaries are weak, overly flexible, or poorly expressed. They’re usually characterized by a lack of emotional separation, dependency, or a people-pleasing attitude. At its most extreme, porous boundaries can result in emotional enmeshment and codependency. Enmeshment is what happens when there’s a lack of clear distinction between the emotional lives of two people. For the clearest example of enmeshment, think of those couples who you never see apart because they spend every waking moment with one another. Codependency is similar to enmeshment but it's more unbalanced. Codependent relationships take the form of one person dedicating their lives to solving all the other person’s problems. This arrangement is generally bad for both parties since one side never has their own needs met and the other never learns how to solve their own problems. People who suffer from porous boundaries need to work on reclaiming their autonomy. The first step is to establish some physical and emotional distance. It’s important to withdraw some of your support and focus on good self-care practices. On the other side of the spectrum, people who have rigid boundaries generally find it difficult to get close to people. The most pathological form of rigid boundaries is counter-dependency, which is characterized by emotional distance and an inability to express vulnerability. An example of counter-dependency is when you ghost a person that you’ve been dating simply because they opened up about how much they like you. The solution for rigid boundaries is to practice cultivating close relationships. That means practicing expressing how you feel to others, asking for help when you need it, and allowing yourself to love. In the end, healthy boundaries are to be found somewhere in between porous and rigid boundaries. You’ll have healthy boundaries once you can combine a concern for your own needs with a concern for the needs of the other. #### Blink 3 ##### Setting healthy boundaries requires clear communication and consistent action When we don’t set clear boundaries directly, they have a way of making themselves known more indirectly. We’re talking about passive-aggressiveness – a popular, yet sadly ineffective, communication technique. If you think about it, passive-aggressiveness is really just a poor attempt at communicating a boundary. Instead of directly stating how we’ve been hurt, we act out how we feel, and just hope the other person figures out what they’ve done wrong. More often than not, though, this approach only frustrates the other person who is completely oblivious to what the problem is. Passive-aggressiveness is especially common in romantic relationships since we often expect our partner to have some telepathic insight into what our needs are. But, the truth is, your partner can’t read your mind, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to. Therefore, It’s good practice to communicate your needs directly. The two steps to communicating a boundary directly are to assert it verbally and then back it up with action. Assertiveness is absolutely the way to go. Unlike passive-aggressiveness, assertiveness is a way of communicating your needs openly without attacking the other for having done something wrong. And, when you assert your boundaries directly, you minimize the chance that they’ll be misunderstood. Assertive boundary statements usually take the form of I want, I need, or I expect. For example, you might say to your mother, “I want you to stop asking me when I’m going to get married.” >[!TIP] Try to avoid apologizing or explaining too much when you set boundaries. You don’t want to give the impression that your boundaries are negotiable. The process of setting boundaries doesn’t end with communication, however. You have to back up what you say with consistent action or else your boundaries won’t be taken seriously. For one, that means modeling the behavior you expect from others. If you want your partner to be honest with you, for example, it’s not going to help your cause if you're not honest with her. And, secondly, consistent action means respecting other people’s boundaries as well. Healthy relationships are built of mutuality. And, if you don’t honor other people’s boundaries, you don’t give them much reason to honor yours. For this reason, setting boundaries ends up being beneficial for both parties in a relationship. Since everybody has boundaries, respecting each other's boundaries is the surest way to have yours respected too. #### Blink 4 ##### Dealing with boundary violations means issuing a consequence Ok, it’s all well and good to say that we ought to be assertive in setting boundaries, but being assertive is much easier said than done. It’s true, we’re frequently beset by fears and worries that prevent us from speaking out about how we really feel. We do cartwheels inside our heads worrying about whether we might cause offense or be perceived in a negative light. But, the truth is, so long as you’re polite, most people will honor direct requests. That being said, not everybody is so mature. Some people may resist your boundary by questioning it or testing your limits. Occasionally, people might even pretend they didn’t hear you and ignore your boundary altogether. These responses are typically a sign that you need to reevaluate your relationship. That might mean simply reiterating your boundaries, but it might also be an indication that the relationship simply isn’t working. Some infractions on your boundaries will be minor enough that you’ll be able to just shrug them off. For example, if a drunk stranger at a party talks your ear off for half an hour about his problems, it’s probably just easier to walk away than to have an intimate conversation about boundaries. But, if boundary violations persist with someone for a long time, then you’ll need to do something about it. If left unaddressed, boundary violations will degrade the fabric of your relationship. Before taking any drastic measures, though, give someone the benefit of the doubt by restating your boundaries. For example, you could say, “We always argue when we talk about politics. Can we please stick to other topics?” But if someone continues to infringe on your boundaries, you’ll have to enforce your boundary by issuing a consequence. For example, if your mother has a habit of showing up at your door unannounced, even after you’ve repeatedly asked her to call ahead, you may need to bar her entry until she gets the point. In some cases, you may decide it’s better just to distance yourself from a relationship or end it entirely. How often you give your time to others is your choice. You’re not obligated to give your time to people who don’t respect you or who drain your energy. That doesn’t necessarily mean you no longer care about this person. It just means you’re looking out for your own well-being. #### Blink 5 ##### Healthy boundaries are also about having a good relationship with yourself One of the main reasons we avoid setting boundaries is that we misunderstand what they are. We imagine that boundaries are about distancing ourselves emotionally from a person, and that genuine relationships are about selfless giving. Women especially have been told that to be a good wife or a good mother means selflessly giving yourself up for the benefit of someone else. But there’s a reason why housewives and mothers frequently end up burned out, demotivated, and even depressed. Anybody can see that giving yourself entirely to others is counter-productive. How can someone be expected to help others if they don’t have any energy, or time, or joy for themselves? It’s not possible to pour from an empty cup. So, while we think of boundaries as being mainly about how other people behave to us, this is only one side of the equation. Boundaries are also essential in how we treat ourselves. If you want to help others, a portion of your energy must go toward good self-care. So, what does it mean to have healthy boundaries with yourself? On the one hand, good self-boundaries prevent you from engaging in practices that don’t serve you. For example, self-boundaries prevent you from spending all your money on stuff you don’t need or from wasting your time on frivolous distractions. But self-boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re also about saying yes to yourself by treating yourself with respect and adopting healthy self-care practices. Now, self-care doesn't just mean taking a spa day every now and then. Real self-care has very little to do with spending money. The essence of true self-care is authenticity. It’s about being in tune with your own needs and respecting yourself enough to fulfill them. An example of self-care is saying no to a request when you know you don’t have the time to do it. When you say no to the things that you can’t or don’t want to do, you’ll have more energy and more enthusiasm for the things you say yes to. Other self-care practices include finding the time to do things that you enjoy, improving yourself through learning and self-development, and spending time with people who make you feel good. So, in the end, don’t think of self-boundaries as being purely restrictive. Think about them as helping you positively to feel good, live according to your values, and enjoy healthy relationships with others. #### Blink 6 ##### Setting boundaries with family is part of the process of becoming an adult Family is often where people struggle most when it comes to setting boundaries – especially the parent-child relationship. After all, these relationship dynamics are decades in the making and aren’t likely to be changed overnight. But we must set boundaries with our parents because that’s the only way we’ll ever grow up. It’s only by virtue of the fact that we set boundaries with our parents during our development that we gradually learned to become autonomously acting individuals. Those, however, who fail to assert boundaries in development will never truly cease to be a child. Consider this: the author once worked with a woman whose marriage was on the rocks because her husband was closer to his mother than he was with her. This woman struggled to take her husband seriously because he was unable to make decisions without asking his mother first. If this is something you can relate to, then you’re in dire need of implementing family boundaries. The first step to implementing boundaries with family members is to create distance. Physically, that means reducing how often you see them or speak to them on the phone. Emotionally, creating distance involves preserving your privacy by withholding intimate details of your personal life. The next step is to practice asserting your will. The main way to do that is to start solving your own problems and making your own decisions. But there are also other, smaller ways you can win a bit of self-autonomy. For example, by expressing your opinions freely in front of them, even when it contradicts their views. It’s important to remember that this advice also applies the other way around. If you’re a parent, it’s easy to forget that your children have boundaries too, and it’s important to respect them, at least within reason. When a child sets a boundary, it might look like refusing to eat a certain food, or crying around a certain person. Respecting your children’s boundaries is important because it reinforces the positive habit of asserting oneself and relating to others in a healthy way. When you acknowledge a child’s boundary, you’re effectively saying to her, yes, you have the power to determine your own life, and yes, your needs and preferences matter. Ultimately, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, creating boundaries between family members is actually essential for relating to each other in adulthood as equal, independent beings. #### Blink 7 ##### Setting boundaries in the office is essential for enjoying your work and doing a good job Overwork is endemic to our society. Too many of us are clocking in well beyond the 40-hour workweek stated in our contracts. We frequently work in the evenings and weekends when we’re supposed to be recovering. We say yes to extra projects from our colleagues even when it’s not our responsibility. And, out of some false sense of guilt, we don’t take advantage of all the vacation days that we’re entitled to. Even if we have healthy boundaries in our personal lives, we tend to have more porous boundaries in our professional lives. That’s because we find it more difficult to set boundaries with our boss and team members out of fear of not being seen as a good employee. But, again, this attitude is counter-productive. Because when you’re overworked and exhausted, the quality of your work deteriorates along with the quality of your life. Setting boundaries at work will help you maintain a healthy work-life balance. That means, improving your own well-being while at the same time improving your engagement and efficiency in the office. The first step to setting boundaries at work is to get over this idea that being a good employee means saying yes to every request. There’s nothing good about overloading yourself so much that you do everything half-heartedly. Remember, when you say no to extra responsibilities, you're saying yes to doing a good job on the work you already have. The next step is to do what it takes to get your work done within working hours, so no one can guilt you into working longer. One way to achieve this is to practice delegating tasks when you have too much on your plate. Another strategy you can try is informing your co-workers that you’d prefer to save the chit-chat for your lunch break. If you still find that your workload is just too much to handle, then tell your boss. Of course, setting boundaries with your boss can be nerve-wracking. But, it’s far better to communicate your limits to your boss, than to suffer in silence. And, once you’ve experienced the relative relaxation and sense of control that follows, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner #### Blink 8 ##### Setting romantic boundaries means clearly communicating your needs and your expectations for the future What’s the most important element of a romantic relationship? Communication. Poor communication is the leading cause of divorce and break-up, and it’s the top reason couples seek therapy. But, what does poor communication boil down to, really? That’s right, an inability to assert boundaries. When couples can’t assert their boundaries explicitly, they end up resorting to other, more conflict-prone methods of communication, such as passive-aggressiveness. Couples often avoid making direct requests in a relationship out of fear of pushing their partner away. But, this fear is completely unfounded. Couples in relationship therapy that learn to make clear, direct requests of one another usually show a reduction in the frequency and intensity of arguments. You, too, might be surprised just how receptive your partner is to honest and direct communication, and how willing they are to meet most of your needs. Ideally, setting clear boundaries and expectations will be one of the first things you do as a couple. By being honest and upfront about how you expect to be treated and what you want to get out of the relationship, you’ll both be spared a great deal of heartache and wasted time in the long run. Unfortunately, many couples prefer to avoid these tricky conversations. You’d be surprised just how many couples never discuss their expectations around things like marriage and having children until years into the relationship, only to discover that they want completely incompatible things. Naturally, it’s probably not wise to mention kids during the first few dates. But, feel free to share your expectations for the relationship whenever it comes up naturally in conversation as you’re getting to know someone. Other conflict-prone topics that should probably be dealt with early on include how you intend to share finances, how you’ll divide up household responsibilities, and what your stance is on fidelity. That last conversation is sure to be interesting, at least. It’s possible, of course, that you’re already deep in a relationship and you’ve so far managed to avoid any of these big conversations. So, what should you do? Well, it’s time to have a difficult conversation. You may well find it uncomfortable, but uncomfortable conversations save relationships. Based on conflicts that have come up in the past, you should already have a pretty good idea of where boundaries and expectations need to be discussed. And, who knows, by inserting a bit of distance and separateness back into the relationship, you may even find that boundaries breathe some fresh romance into your love life. ### 📋Final Summary: - Many of the problems in your life, from work overload to domestic disputes, really boil down to a single issue – an inability to set healthy boundaries. And so, by taking the time to work on this one issue, you could make improvements to your quality of life across the board. ### ☘️ Lessons I will Apply in Real Life _(what concrete actions will I take after reading this?)_ - Identify the areas in your relationships where you feel you need clearer boundaries. - Assert your needs to the person as confidently and straightforwardly as possible. - Deal maturely with whatever discomfort ensues from setting your boundary. Remember it’ll only be awkward if you make it awkward. - Back up your boundary, if necessary, by restating it or issuing a consequence. - Plan what you’re going to say in advance. Once you have an idea of the areas in your life where you need boundaries, you can try this exercise. Draw two vertical lines on a piece of paper to create three columns. In the first column, write the boundaries that you would like to implement. For example, it could say, I want my parents to stop calling me so often. In the second column, write a couple of polite, but assertive statements expressing your boundary. For example, you could write, I have a lot on my plate these days, can we keep our chats to once a week? In the third column, write one or two consequences that you could realistically enact if your boundary isn’t honored. For example, here you could write, I won’t answer the phone unless we’ve planned to have a call. With this exercise completed, you’ll have your action plan for finally setting those urgently needed boundaries.